The world is opening back up and so many are eagerly signing up for as many races as possible to make up for the past year of virtual events and competition with themselves. Finally, we are seeing opportunities to gather with crowds at starting lines and experience that rush of adrenaline as the gun goes off. 

Never again will we take for granted standing uncomfortably close to sweaty strangers as our stomachs fills with butterflies. We won’t take for granted those first strides, when our sole focus is trying not to trip or elbow anyone in the ribs. We won’t take for granted the middle of the race where we get caught in the mental trap of realizing we’ve come a long way but still have SO far to go. And we certainly won’t take for granted that home stretch kick or that finish line feeling.

Just talking about all of that fills me with both anxiety and excitement. I’ve been on so many starting lines and yet the pre-race nerves never fail to hit hard every single time. But I keep going back for more. Except this year.

But you just had over a year without racing!

That’s right. And I miss everything about racing very much. Believe me, I’ve considered signing up for all kinds of events.

The local half marathon a couple of weeks ago piqued my interest. James signed up for a 50k trail race in Oregon this November and I thought I’d give it a go with him, or at least do the 25k that is being offering that same weekend. I had the opportunity to run the Boston Marathon this October using my qualifying time from Wineglass 2019. I considered running the Hilton Head marathon in November so that I could try and qualify for Boston 2022.

I thought long and hard about each of these options/opportunities but in the end, I sit here with no races on my calendar for the foreseeable future. And here’s why.

I don’t want to.

Remember how in my post about my first marathon I mentioned the promise I had made to myself? The promise that the next time I train for a marathon I would do it right? Well, doing it right means giving myself a break, not stressing so much about pace, taking my rest days, and having fun while also being dedicated my training. I do feel confident that I can do those things, but this summer and fall would make it really challenging.

James and I have a full calendar for the next several months. Trips to up north to visit friends and family, weekend weddings, a month-long road trip around the US, the holidays, and more. It’s jam-packed with excitement and I am SO ready for it.

But while I’m celebrating marriages, visiting with family, and exploring the country I don’t want the stress of training to be on my mind the way that it was for so many years while I battled exercise addiction. I don’t want to have to wake up at 4am to get a 20-mile run in before a wedding. Or to feel like I am failing if it’s impossible to get a training run in while I’m on the road or camping in a national park. And when I can’t run, I don’t want to feel guilty about it.

Excuses? Maybe that’s what it sounds like to you. And trust me, that’s been on my mind, too.

Other people do it. It’s a matter of being committed. Time management can make anything possible. Am I even dedicated to my sport? There is never going to be a perfect time to train for a race. Other busy people can handle it. This is your sport, you should be dedicated to it. It’s the freaking BOSTON MARATHON just do the thing!

These catastrophic thoughts were reaping havoc on me mentally. Until I stopped them.

When the idea of training is more stressful, anxiety provoking, and agonizing than exciting and thrilling, there’s a problem. I’ve spent so much time preaching on this very blog about how running, to me, needs to be fun. It’s a sport I truly love with my whole heart and I never again want that love to be taken away.

I don’t want to train because I feel like I have to, or because I’m a failure if I don’t, or because of the guilt I’d feel seeing other’s crushing it in all of those upcoming races (hello, comparison). I spent too many years obsessing over training and sacrificing so much get my workout in. And I’m over that. When I train, I want it to be for me.

Other people, many of whom are much busier than I am, will race this year. James, having an identical summer travel schedule to mine, is racing 50k this year. But I am not in the right headspace to join them/him. I am still a work in progress as I fight the demons I’ve talked about in previous posts and I do not want to take any steps backwards.

Eventually training and competing will be something I want – that I’m certain of. I am not choosing to step away from the starting line permanently, I just know that the idea of approaching it right now fills me with all kinds of negative emotions.

I am hanging onto my dream of running the Boston Marathon and I know it will happen when I’m ready for it. But at this time, my mental and physical health can’t handle the pressure of marathon training. And I’ve decided that I’m ok with that.

So instead of training for a race I’ll continue running for fun, listening to my body (something I’ve gotten much better at but have not yet mastered), gaining some strength, exploring and enhancing my identities outside of “the runner,” and joining James on some his training runs.

I’m excited for this year of travel & adventure, and I’m also excited for the day I sign up for a big race. But mostly, I’m excited that I’m listening to what my body and mind need. That will always be a victory.