Dear 20-year-old self,

It won’t be like this forever. Just don’t give up. 

You won’t break into tears at the sight of a full dinner plate. You won’t step on the scale four times each day. You won’t wake up with hunger pangs in the middle of the night. You won’t pack your own “safe” foods for every event. 

You won’t be in fitting rooms disturbed by a body that can’t even fill out size 000 jeans. You won’t shop in the children’s section for a belt to hold them up. You won’t feel proud when the number on the scale goes down or defeated and worthless when it goes up. 

You won’t need to run ten miles when you’re sick with strep throat. You won’t feel intense guilt on days you burn less calories than you did the day before. 

You won’t go to bed at 8 PM just to be sure you don’t eat any more food. You won’t come up with excuses not to have dinner with friends and family. 

You won’t do everything possible to shrink. You won’t record half of a breath mint in your calorie counter app. You won’t base your self-worth on your size or your ability to push through the pain of a malnourished body.  

You won’t be so irritable with the people you love. You won’t lash out at them and then feel crippling guilt at the thought of hurting them. You won’t truly believe that less of you on this earth is better for everyone. You won’t want to slowly fade away. 

20-year-old self, this won’t break you. You will be strong, healthy, and so, so happy. You will be surrounded by friendship and family and love. You will have a healthy relationship with food and exercise. You will feel balanced. You will be victorious. Just don’t give up. 

And dear current self,

You’re doing great. You’ve moved mountains. I know you still have tough days, it’s normal to. I know you have moments when you wonder if giving up the small size that came with your eating disorder was worth it. Sometimes you forget what you’ve gained in life by letting it go. Keep fighting, and just don’t give up.