Let’s talk about regret. 

Regret is when we blame ourselves for a certain outcome. It’s when we feel a sense of loss, sadness, and frustration with ourselves because it was our fault that things went in one direction rather than another. Regret is painful to experience. 

We all know that feeling. We know that self-critical, self-blaming voice telling us life would have not only been different, but that it would have been better if we had chosen a separate path. 

I do feel that most people today are able to recognize that everything happens for a reason, and if you hadn’t made that one decision that you are feeling regretful about you would never have had some of the most beautiful experiences or met some of the most impactful people. But even if you believe that things happen the way they’re supposed to (I certainly do), regret hits hard in different moments, usually unexpectedly. Personally, I felt it while watching the Olympic track & field trials last week. 

I remember watching elite runners on tv when I was a kid, and like most kids I was a dreamer. I dreamed of being one of them someday. I dreamed of running around that oval with ripped abs and my long ponytail. I dreamed of hearing the bell signaling the final lap, sprinting to the finish line in first place, and then standing on the podium with a medal hung around my neck. Didn’t we all have big dreams like that as kids? Those “someday” dreams?

Well, when I was in college “someday” began to feel like a real possibility. I had become very serious about my running, and although I was nowhere near Olympic-level talented I thought that maybe if I stayed committed and worked really hard, I had a shot at eventually competing at the elite level. The idea of that excited me enough to write “Run at Hayward Field” on my bucket list. 

I held on to that dream for a while, but for various reasons I let it slip away. And most days, I don’t even think about it. Chasing the running dream was sometimes fun and exciting, but other times it was physically and emotionally painful. In my other blog posts, you can read all about the injuries, battle with anorexia & disordered eating, sacrificed social life, exercise addiction, etc. that came along with chasing that dream. 

To clarify, it isn’t the sport of running that caused me so much pain. I have so much love and respect for the sport, and plan to be a runner forever. It was the mindset of committing my entire self to it at the cost of my health that was a problem. And for me, chasing the professional runner dream went hand-in-hand with that attitude. 

I’m unbelievably happy with the direction my life has taken since I put that dream to rest. I met James, I have a career that I love, I’m traveling all over the place, I’m finding balance, and I’m becoming mentally and physically healthier every day. But even so, I’m not immune to those unexpected moments of regret. 

When I turned on the Olympic trials to watch the women’s 5k, I saw Abby Cooper (previously Abby D’Agostino) looking fierce on the starting line. I remember seeing Abby at some of my races in college, specifically NCAA Northeast Regionals. At least once we stood on the same starting line and competed in the same 6k cross country race. Now she’s standing on the track at Hayward Field competing in the Olympic trials for the third time while I’m watching from my couch while sipping a glass of wine. We’ve taken two very different paths since I last saw her.  

I felt that familiar and self-destructive regret flood my brain. I couldn’t help but feel like I didn’t push myself enough, and that I’m not living up to my full potential. I thought about all of the opportunities that were right in front of me that I never took advantage of. Things like joining competitive post-collegiate running teams, signing up for more races, and pushing myself to stay on top of workouts rather than just regular mileage. I open my bucket list and see “Run at Hayward Field” and I get even more frustrated with myself for not finding out what I was capable of. What could I have become if I worked harder or made different choices?

I told James how I was feeling in that moment when I watched Abby crush it in the first round of the trials. His response was, “do you think you’d be a happier person if you had chosen that route?” 

No, I don’t. 

I believe in committing fully to what is important to you, and for some that looks like professional running. But when I look at my life right now and think about what’s most important to me, it’s things like mental & physical health, building a life with James, time with family, travel, a job that I love, being present for the big moments in my friends lives, food freedom, and running. 

Maybe all of those things could have fit in with life as a professional runner, but it’s hard to imagine how. I am so fortunate to have a life filled with love and happiness, and most days I have to pinch myself to believe this is all real. That this is actually my life. 

Like I said, I plan on running forever (or as long as possible) and I would love to be semi-competitive again someday. But I don’t ever want to sacrifice all of the wonderful things that I have right now, or the things I want in my future ( a family, health, balance, etc.) just to cross that one item off my bucket list. 

Something that a friend, Tom Bulger, wrote in his book, A Runner’s Memories, Dreams, Reflections, really resonated with me as I thought about where I am right now and the regret that occasionally hits hard…

I couldn’t have opened that page of Tom’s book at a more perfect time. I am proud of what I did in my competitive running years, and I can feel good about all that I accomplished. But I’m also proud of where I am now and I know that when I compete in the future I’ll give it nothing short of my all.

The point is that regret is toxic, and it’s damaging to think about what could have been. So when it starts to creep in, I’m working on reminding myself of why I am so incredibly happy in the place I am in right now.  

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again… I’m a work in progress.