When Body Image Became a Thing

For as long as I can remember I cared about my size. My mom reminds me that as a very young child, I’d stare into my floor length mirror posing like a supermodel. I loved to look at my small waist and scrawny legs.

I was a tiny girl, all skin and bones, and would get frequent comments (which I took as compliments) from friends, parents of friends, teachers, coaches, and other adults in my life about how small I was. I don’t know if I liked the attention I got for my size or what, but something about hearing the words, “you are so skinny!” or, “all skin and bones!” felt good to me. 

I didn’t have to work at it, though. I loved to eat, and I had no problem eating double what my older sister would. I wasn’t picky in the slightest. I enjoyed all things from ice cream, to pizza, to big helpings of spinach. I remember asking my mom if I could order from the adult menu at about 8 years old, because the tenderloin with mashed potatoes and green beans sounded way bigger and better than the kids chicken nuggets. I was aware of my small size, but other than being active in sports I did nothing to maintain it. 

The first time I remember feeling self conscious of my size was around age 17. I was a competitive figure skater on a synchronized skating team, and each season we’d have to get measured for our custom made competition dresses. The woman taking my measurements would always comment on how skinny I was, and I loved that. I actually looked forward to getting measured  because it felt good to hear those words. 

One year, when I was a junior in high school, I got no comment. Another girl on the team, however, did. And when I heard it I got this sinking feeling in my stomach, like I had lost my identity. I know this is totally irrational because of course at 17 years old I was going to measure larger than the 12 year old girl on my team who hadn’t yet gone through puberty…. But this is the first time I remember thinking I wasn’t skinny enough for it to be noticed, and that was a problem. 

That day at the rink made me a bit more self-conscious, and I caught myself noticing the thinnest girls at school, and my cross country teammates with six-pack abs. I’d hear those teammates talk about their insecurities over their weight (a common topic of conversation in the world of competitive running I quickly learned) which baffled me, because I was definitely a little curvier than them. 

But even with that increased awareness and constant comparison in my later high school years, I didn’t change my lifestyle. I still loved nights out eating 1000 calories worth of onion rings and ribs at The Outback with my friends, nightly ice cream, and popcorn covered in a ridiculous amount of butter. I was still thinner than most of my friends, still below average on the doctor’s charts, I was a varsity level runner, I had just signed my letter of intent to compete in college, and like I said earlier… I LOVED to eat!