Teddy Roosevelt said it best: “Comparison is the thief of joy.”
We know that comparison is trouble, but we all do it. We are constantly on the lookout to find someone “better” than the current version of us. We’re looking when we’re at work, at the gym, on Instagram, Strava, or LinkedIn, on the race course, in our friend groups, and on, and on, and on. It’s never ending.
Now, I don’t see anything wrong with looking at someone else with admiration and wanting to better ourselves because of what we see. I mean, I wrote a whole blog post a couple of weeks ago about how, in many ways, I’ve been modeling my lifestyle after James’. I saw something that I didn’t have, but that I wanted and that was important for me to obtain for the sake of my mental and physical wellbeing. So, comparison can be helpful when it’s approached in certain ways.
According to author and blogger Mark Sisson, “comparison can offer an ‘information gathering’ framework. We may not realize what’s even possible without the model of other people. The example of other people can expand our sense of what we can imagine for ourselves.”
What I gather from what Sisson writes is that comparison can drive us to be better because it helps us to recognize the things that we want and that are important to us. Then it can inspire us to chase those things, knowing from others that they are attainable. These healthy comparisons empower us, support our goals, and encourage positive growth.
Unfortunately, not all comparison is healthy (I’d argue that most times, it’s not healthy at all). And unhealthy comparison damages our self-esteem, and acts as roadblocks in reaching our full potential. Rather than trying to be the best version of ourselves, we spend our time and energy focusing on the lives of others. We become distracted from our goals, we feel lousy because there is always someone who appears faster, fitter, happier, more successful, wealthier, etc. than us, and we lose the ability to live in the present moment.
Unhealthy comparison can result in two different outcomes, both of which are dangerous. Maybe seeing those people who appear to be “better” than you makes you want to give up, because you don’t believe you can reach that level. You think, “why even try, I’ll never be like that.”
Or the opposite outcome… You become obsessed with trying to become something that you are not and end up committing your entire self to do doing everything possible to be as good or better than that other person. You start to lose your identity.
You can probably guess based on my previous blog posts that I fall into the category of doing anything and everything I can to become as “good” or “better” than what I see in someone else (committing so much of my time & energy to trying to be like them). This obviously became a problem when I wanted to be the fastest runner with the thinnest body, but even beyond that it has been a continuous battle for me. I’m sure most of you can relate.
Running falls victim to the comparison trap for obvious reasons… It’s all about times, numbers, and data. At races it’s so clear who the fastest and most talented runners are, Strava is literally designed to be a place where we can see our own training compared to that of others, and Apple watch competitions leave us feeling like we need to out-exercise all of our friends in order to have had a successful day.
We live in a world full of devices that make us feel inadequate, and we become so fixated on what others are doing that we forget about what we’ve done, or what we’re capable of. We forget to enjoy our own journey for what it is.
I know that certain things are triggering for me and I have been working hard to stop them from interfering with my happiness. For a while, I thought the solution was to delete social media, or unfollow/mute certain people. But I’ve realized that doing those things would be ignoring the issue. Pushing it aside so that I don’t have to deal with it rather than addressing it by allowing opportunities to face it as I continuously work on myself.
What I’ve realized is that I need to be recognizing when I start to compare in an unhealthy way and remind myself that my goal is not to be someone else, but rather to be the happiest and healthiest version of me. I’ve come a long way in recent months but if I’m being honest, when it comes to unhealthy comparison I am still a work in progress.
I’ll give you an example…
Most weekends, James and I get out for a trail run in the mountains. Two weekends ago we did an awesome 9 mile run up and down a mountain (Graybeard Mountain) with some intense elevation. When we finished, I felt great. We had talked and laughed the whole way, had an incredible view at the summit, passed by waterfalls and wildflowers, and we had challenged ourselves on a Saturday morning. I was proud of the work that we had done and smiling about the fun we had. It was all great, until I uploaded our run to Strava.
I immediately saw that someone I follow had done a 22-mile run with triple the elevation gain we had just done. Her Strava map and data were insane, and on top of it she had also posted a photo of herself mid-run looking like a beast with chiseled abs and lean muscle.
I was instantly transported from a place of pride and happiness to a state of inadequacy, self-loathe, and guilt. I had completely lost the high that I was on and was suddenly filled with anxiety over the idea of indulging in a beer at the brewery we were now heading to (a post-trail run tradition of ours).
What gave me the right to be proud of this run? I don’t deserve this beer. I’ll probably gain weight and never look like she does. Why didn’t I work harder to become an elite runner? I am doing this whole “life” thing wrong. I didn’t do enough. I am not enough.
Sounds pretty crazy, right? That my mind could spiral like that after being triggered by someone else’s data of Strava? Like I said, I’m a work in progress.
And this is not limited to fitness and body image. I spiraled similarly after getting a promotion at work and then seeing that a friend in a completely different career got promoted as well and is making almost double my salary. Don’t get me wrong, I’m always happy to see the people I love succeeding and thriving. I’m rooting for you all, and I always want to hear about your triumphs because they make me genuinely happy. YOUR success is not what brings me down. It’s the idea that I am not successful enough.
What I’ve been learning and working hard on is realizing that the success of others does not take away my success. Their wins are not my losses. And truly, I have a really great life filled with adventure, happiness, love, and health.
When I start to compare, I try to shift my focus to the journey I am currently on. For me, at this point in my life, the most important things are not running as many miles as I can, or having a perfectly sculpted body, or working in a higher paying office job. Nope, none of that. What matters most is that I am doing my part to put the pieces in place to be living in a way that makes me happy. And these days, I’m feeling pretty darn happy.
I had fun on the mountain that day, and maybe that woman who’s Strava data I saw did, too. Good for her. Good for both of us.
